


Only You

by fkbunnyclub



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Cute, M/M, ME3, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-27 06:09:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16213061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fkbunnyclub/pseuds/fkbunnyclub
Summary: The Crucible is nearly completed, it won’t be long before the forces have to rally. The crew of the SS Normandy is occupied with preparations, and with things that bear tending to in the face of perhaps certain death. Garrus and Tali have begun to make their moves towards each other. John’s hid how he feels about Garrus for years, but gives them his blessings.Only, he’s struggling with the realization that amidst it all, he’s got no one.





	Only You

John had heard her first. The light mechanized giggle and then the flustered gasp as she withdrew from Garrus and then the fluttering of the cloth as she fumbled out an explanation. He’d bludgeoned away at the tightness in his abdomen and winked at her as he threw out a lighthearted joke about tech. Garrus didn’t say a word, only laughing at the joke, pleasure in his voice.   
From somewhere within him, he’d drawn out fondness and imbued it into his tone as he teased them further.

Garrus hadn’t withdrawn from his original position, and he hadn’t seemed to be upset by the intrusion. Garrus had made no move to dislodge Tali’s hand from his arm. John withdrew fast, throwing a reciprocated grin Garrus’ way before leaving. He thought he’d make it out of there with at least some of his stability intact, but before the doors had slid together, he’d caught sight of Garrus reaching for Tali once more.

He’s stood in front of the door for a while.

He walks to the other end of the engineering deck with a pit in his stomach and anger clouding his mind. He’d been encouraging all the others on board to settle, find something to come back home to, to do whatever it is that they’d been putting off doing, and here he was, upset at himself because he was incapable of following his own advice.

Something burns at the back of eyes and his throat convulses as he realizes he wanted to speak to someone about this. He can’t. Word would get around, especially since this was about his love life. He headed up and out of the engineering deck.

EDI catches him making his way to his quarters.

“Are you doing alright, Shepard?”

He freezes, unaware of whether she’d caught his uncontrolled expression or if she was simply asking about his thoughts on their future and perhaps final mission.

“Nervous,” he tries. “How are you holding up?”

She narrows her eyes at him. He knew she was letting him redirect the conversation, this time.

“Joker is being stubborn and refuses to consider alternative possibilities which I think it prudent to prepare for.”

“Well, maybe you need to put it differently, guy can only handle so much of the unfiltered scenarios.”

“I’m changing my tactics,” EDI announces, lips pursed. “He’ll like it better when I speak about the experiences that cement the bond between us.”

John feels his lips curve in a smile.

“Yeah, he would.”

EDI straightens, indicating she’s departing, probably heading to Joker.

“And are you speaking to someone?”

He’d expected that.

“Yeah,” he nodded and slouched just a bit, hoping that it helped his ploy seem more real.

“Good.”

John watches her until she turned the corner.

***

“Keelah,” Tali murmurs as she settles down next to Garrus, the glare of the main battery reflecting on her mask. “Shepard didn’t look too good.”

Garrus freezes, redirecting his attention to the quarian that was currently examining him. They hadn’t discussed whatever it was that had begun between them, so there were still some distances that remained, they had yet to discuss John, a subject that was more than personal for Garrus. John had seemed fine, at least that was what it had looked like when John had been prodding playfully at them just an hour ago.

“What are you talking about?”

His mandibles twitch as he felt Tali’s frustration trickle through to him through her body.

“Does he seem a little different to you? I was just speaking to Liara, she noticed the same.”

“Hasn’t he always been?”

The humor fell flat as Tali regarded him with a tilt of her head. Garrus shifts until he’s facing her.

“Is it bothering you?” he asks, the concern he’d been hiding finally flooding into his tone.

“It’s worrying me,” she seems nervous. “He didn’t seem different when he came down before, but his face wasn’t right.”

Garrus feels his mandibles draw in at her observation. He hadn’t noticed anything in John’s face, and the observation made him wonder. John was the one who was carrying them forward, and Garrus wasn’t sure that there was anyone who John was really speaking to at the moment about things. He knew he hadn’t gone to speak to John in a while, not with the time he was spending with Tali, forming roots that would steady him for the oncoming mission.

“I can’t go and talk to him about these things. I don’t think, Keelah, I don’t think he’d be that comfortable if it was me.”

Garrus catches on quickly.

“You want me to ask?”

She raises her head until she’s right in his face.

“You’re the only one he allows to get close to him.”

“Right, well I’ll remember that the next time I see him.”

“Or you can drop by his quarters today.”

Garrus realizes Tali isn’t going to let this go. He frowns at her adamancy, though if he’d noticed it himself, he’d have cornered John right away.

“Alright.”

Her happiness and satisfaction radiated through and he feels himself smile, his mandibles jutting outwards as he rises, steps light with the thought of having made her feel better. Whatever had begun between them, perhaps it will be enough to carry him through their next mission.

“Come back when you’re done,” Tali calls out as he exits. Garrus throws up his hand, signaling agreement, and focuses on   
getting up to John’s quarters.

***

He’d pulled out his favorite drink as soon as he’d made it into his quarters. EDI had locked entry, he’d told her to make sure no one would disturb him, and more importantly, he’d told her to not watch over him for once. He’d then proceeded to drink himself silly in the next one hour or so.

The drinking did nothing for his ugly thoughts, and it did nothing but remind him that he was drinking because of those ugly thoughts. Counterproductive, he thought, through his drunk haze. John buried his head in his folded arms on the table and let the pressure in his chest build, heaving his abdomen with steadily heavier breaths as he let his thoughts wander to Garrus.

Unfair, some part of him cried, recalling the affection in Garrus’ face as he’d glanced at Tali’s fumbling explanation. There’s nothing to be done, he reprimanded himself. They’re going to be great together. Like I could’ve been, with Garrus, the envious part of him snarled. Too late, John grit his teeth, too late and it’s fine. The envy in him bristled and whipped him a barrage of emotion, making his shoulders shake. Too late, he tried telling himself, but it came out weak. The tears moistened the sleeves of his shirt. Better luck next time.

If there was a next time.

His thoughts wandered past Garrus. If there was a next time. There wouldn’t be, something inside of him told him. Not with the way things were progressing. They were really cutting it close. He didn’t know what the Crucible did, what the Catalyst did. The uncertainty wound itself tight around his throat, the envy thrashed in his abdomen, and the tears pressed forward inevitably. He bit his lip to stop the emotion from overwhelming him and steadied his breath, but he knew his face would looked wrecked. The pitfalls of human physiology.

He felt wrung-out. The crying hadn’t been cathartic. It’d only made him feel weary, a little hopeless, and utterly worn out. He knew he couldn’t go back to thinking of Garrus in the same way, not with what he’d seen and realized. His throat tightened with the onslaught of his feelings.

He couldn’t let Garrus see, he couldn’t let anyone see, really. His head spun with envy. You love Garrus just as much, if not more, rose up amidst the sinking feeling. But Tali will do him good, she’s wonderful, he bites out against himself. And you? I’ll do what I’ve always done, he tries. It’s not enough, not now, not when you’re like this, his thoughts tell him, and he presses his face into arms, knowing that the voice is right. His body shudders as he breathes, his face twisting as he tries to keep his reckless thoughts at bay.

A slight ping informs him that someone’s at his door, requesting access, not EDI’s voice. She’s kept to her word of not watching him. He doesn’t move, EDI’s already indicated that he’s not accepting visitors, regardless of who it is. Anything important and EDI would tell him personally. Important meant something related to the efforts of the Alliance.

“Shepard?”

He startles. It’s Garrus. Bitterness wells and he swallows it down, letting it course through him. It fades as it runs its course, only to be replaced with a desperate desire for affection. He curses himself. Whatever EDI’s done should prevent Garrus from pushing.

“Hey, needed to talk for a bit. Let me know when you’re free. Wait, you’re probably asleep so, guess I’ll have to remind you later.”

John knows he’s weak to these things. He can’t deny Garrus, much as he can’t deny his own desire to take whatever he can from the turian. Coward, he tells himself, I should let Garrus be, he needs all the time he can get with Tali. It’s not exactly a loss, he’s still with me, I’ll be able to handle it. I’ll be fine, he tells himself. His own voice in his head doesn’t sound resolute, it sounds resigned.

He’d always hated the loneliness his life seemed to send him into, but here he was, choosing it willingly.

Something inside of him gives.

***

Liara is the one who mentions it again. They’re in the debriefing room, waiting for Shepard to finish talking with Anderson.

“Something seems to be off.” Liara murmurs, causing Garrus to pause in his perusal of the displayed Crucible construction.

“I thought they were speaking to Prothean VI you uncovered,” he tries to see himself if something is off, but Liara is the only one who’s experienced enough to spot an error at this level.

“I was speaking of Shepard.”

Garrus turns his gaze to her, mandibles quivering and betraying his worry.

“Tali feels the same way,” he informs her of his knowledge of the situation.

Liara’s gaze is piercing, and he feels as though she knows more than she’s letting on.

“And you?”

“He hasn’t said anything to me,” Garrus tries, and then, remembering how he’d been turned away from John’s quarters yesterday, relents. “Or maybe he just doesn’t want to talk about it. He seems fine. You really want to push it?”

“Is he not telling everyone to make their peace? To do what they have put off?”

“Yes, so?”

Liara’s gaze doesn’t falter but Garrus feels her apprehension clearly.

“What is it that Shepard has put off that he can’t seem to make peace with?”

Spirits, Garrus thinks weakly, Liara is certainly not one for holding back, Shadow Broker duties or not. He’s saved from replying as John enters, and then he notices. It’s hard to miss. John’s face, try as he might to control it, is taut with frustration, and something else Garrus can’t identify. It’s also very evident, beyond any doubt, that John is crushing his teeth together to reign in and control whatever the unnamed sentiment is.

“Hey,” Garrus tries as Shepard approaches them.

“Hey,” John said, drawing close. “The Prothean VI’s helping conclude the efforts. It won’t be long now until we have to move out.”

“To Earth, then.” Liara murmured softly, searching John’s face. Garrus wonders if something could have happened between the two before him, Liara was the first to notice John’s condition. “Did the talk with Anderson not go well? You do not look alright.”

John jerks.

Garrus tenses as he waits for a reply.

“It went alright.” John replies, arms rising to the chest and crossing, crossing Liara out.

“You seem troubled,” Liara’s gaze flickers to his and Garrus realizes she wants him to join her in his probing. “As you have been, recently.”

John is silent, eyes fixed on Liara. Garrus doesn’t want to interrupt. He’s starting to think John is hiding something. Whatever 

John was trying so hard to hide like this meant it was probably big. Which meant it shouldn’t come out this way. Not like this. Before he can interrupt, John replies.

“I’m worried, maybe a little nervous, but I think that’s normal given the situation.”

Liara seems to accept the answer, the tension in her body diffusing slightly.

“Maybe it would do you good to speak about it.”

John nods, but it’s all off and wrong and jerky, and the dread that swells in Garrus only intensifies.

“I’m doing that,” Shepard says softly.

Liar, Garrus wants to say.

“If you need to talk to me about it, you’re always welcome to.”

“Thanks,” the exhale that shudders slightly through John isn’t one of relief.

“I still need to talk to you,” Garrus’ mouth moves before he can think the statement through. “I mean, I came up to see you yesterday.”

Liara’s suspicion is evident enough.

“But you were sleeping, so I decided it could wait for later,” he continues, hoping to derail the asari from her mission. “How about now?”

John nods, then turns to Liara.

“We need to start preparing, it won’t be long before we’re called.”

Liara nods before heading out, John watching her retreat, Garrus watching him. The thought of John being troubled so deeply worries him more than it should. Garrus lets his eyes rove over the body of the human before him. John is tensed, stiff, and desperately trying to contain whatever it is that threatens to burst forth from within him.

“Hey,” Garrus calls out softly, mandibles shifting in distress.

When John turns to face him, it’s with a weary smile.

“What do you need?” John asks.

Garrus, preoccupied with the exhaustion John is letting him see, frowns instead, forgetting for a moment that he’s attempting to get John to talk under the pretext that it’s something he himself wants to speak about instead.

“Just wanted to talk about, well, Earth and the attack on the Reaper forces crowding the Citadel.”

John sighs and leans against the railing next to them.

“I’m more than a little worried about it,” John murmurs, eyelids fluttering closed. The lashes come to a rest above the circles beneath John’s eyes and Garrus fights down a rising sliver of affection for John. Not now, he tells himself. “I guess I’ve been thinking about it a little too much.”

“Hey, well, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing too. Talked to Tali about it for a bit, but I wanted to hear what you had to say. You helped out, back when I was consulting for Palaven.”

John grits his teeth and Garrus wonders if he’s said anything wrong. The breath John draws in is rough. Garrus steps closer, and watches as John tenses.

Whatever it is, Garrus thinks, John is not alright. Not like this.

“What’s bothering you about it?”

“What if it doesn’t work out.”

“It has to,” John says, hands clenching into the soft human skin on his arms. “We’ll all be harvested otherwise I think, maybe we can run.”

“Have we got any plans for, if we don’t succeed?”

“Not the Normandy, but I’ve heard that all the species are making preparations for preservation and continuation.”

“We’ll be in the middle of it then, huh.”

Garrus winces, he’s doing poorly so far. John hasn’t relaxed one bit, but the exhaustion is growing clearer.

“Yeah.”

Forget the subtlety, Garrus thinks.

“Are you ready for that?”

“I don’t know.”

John’s voice is hoarse, tinged with anger, and something else. Garrus moves closer, letting his hand resting on a tightly wound arm. Something he’d driven away long ago rises again as John shifts towards him as well. He curls his talons around the soft human flesh, drawing John’s attention to him. They freeze together, but his mandibles shiver.

“You,” he tries, but his voice is rougher, laden with that feeling he shouldn’t have. “You’re not telling me what’s making you like this.”

“And here I thought I was a good actor, especially with all that training I had, working with Cerberus.”

Garrus isn’t ready to let him get out of this, not when John is like this.

“I’m not going to push you,” he tells John, letting the feeling that’s flooding his head control his actions. His talons are gently rubbing into the skin of John’s arms. “But I want you to know I’m worried. The others are growing worried too.”

“It’s nothing.”

“Liar.” Garrus is glad he can say it this time.

John trembles slightly in his grip, breathing out heavily.

“I’m fine,” John pulls away from his hold reluctantly, voice quivering.

“I just need some rest.”

The voice cracks slightly. Spirits, he thinks, John is hurting. Garrus makes a move forward but John is already halfway out of the doors.

***

Tali joins him as he makes his way to EDI and Joker.

She must have noticed something off in him, because she joins him only to ask, “This is about Shepard isn’t it?”

The question is soft enough that Garrus nearly misses it.

He slows and looks at her. There’s something he can’t read in her words.

“Yes,” but it comes out more as a question of her intentions.

“You are like this when things become about Shepard,” she says softly. “Are you aware of that?”

Garrus looks away, because he knows. He’s known for a while now, though he’d told himself that nothing was going come out of it.

“Maybe Liara should prod it out of him instead,” Tali places herself in front of him. That’s the right way to go, Garrus thinks, still intent on getting to EDI, to ask her to breach John’s privacy, of all things, and to let him in that damned quarters he’d been refused entry to, again. “That’s one step to getting them closer.”

No, Garrus thinks, and he’s surprised by the force behind the feeling. Tali has stopped, the both of them have stopped. She’s waiting for an answer, he realizes.

“She can’t get it out of him,” Garrus tries to explain. “She doesn’t understand.”

“Don’t you think she can learn?”

“Maybe, but right now –”

“Is the best time for her to learn,” Tali says firmly. “Shepard needs someone by his side, and Liara can be that person. She needs to do this, if she and Shepard are going to make progress. She needs to understand him in the same way –”

“I don’t want her to,” slips out before Garrus can stop it. Tali stops, but there doesn’t seem to be any surprise in her disposition.

“I know,” is all she says.

“Then, all this – what was the point of it?”

“I was just making sure you knew.”

Garrus freezes, recalling Liara’s expressions back in the debriefing room.

“And Liara?” he manages to get out.

“She’s upset but she understands.”

Garrus gets the feeling that Tali might be feeling something along the same lines.

“How did you know?” he tries instead, but he knows he’s stalling.

“It was hard not to notice.”

She remains in front of him, blocking his path. Garrus makes to move past her, but she stops him with a raised hand.

“EDI will let you inside his quarters now.”

Garrus throws her a grateful look as he turns.

***

John has his best out on his table, albeit emptied. He’d spent his platinum wisely, he thinks, amidst the alcoholic daze. Garrus’ talons on his arms, the gentle affection he’d been afforded, the musk of the turian strong from their proximity. Anderson had spoken of a woman he’d know a long time ago, with something more than just friendship between them, and how he intended to pursue that something more if he made it out alive. All he could of think at that moment was that even if he were to make it through, there was still no one for him.

He slams the bottle onto the table and rubs his eyes with his hands. They tingle with the build up of tears. He wants the comfort only Garrus can offer, and he can’t have it. He thinks of Ashley and James, of Joker and EDI, and Garrus and Tali. He wants the comfort that comes with having someone like that, but more than that, he wants the comfort having a relationship with Garrus offers.

Stupid, he scolds himself, sinking into the chair, hands covering his face.

“Fucking stupid,” he croaks out as he presses his face into his hands, wetting them with his tears.

“Not really,” a voice interrupts and John freezes.

Talons curl around his wrist, but John doesn’t permit them to drag his face away from his hands. He can feel the warmth of the body next to his. He has to bring his emotions under control, he’s not going to let Garrus see him like this. This is something he knows he can’t simply explain away, at least not with lies. When he’s sure he can handle the conversation, he lets the talons draw his hands away from his face.

Garrus eyes him silently, hands still clasping the fragile human ones even as he draws them away from John’s face.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Garrus says, rubbing the wrists he holds gently. John tries to jerk them out of the grip, but Garrus doesn’t let him. What does that say about John pursuing a relationship with you, a voice inside his head tells him, but Garrus ignores it.

“But I have something I want to say.”

John eyes, red and bloated slightly from the tears, eye him warily.

Garrus wants to brush the pads of his talons over the eyelids.

“Just hear me out before you say anything.”

John relaxes slightly, but tugs experimentally at his hands. Garrus holds them still, even as John gazes away.

“I, I suppose I should have said something earlier. In hindsight, it would have been better if I had said something earlier. I just didn’t know how to bring it up, didn’t know if it was worth bringing it up, because I couldn’t think of the consequences of saying it,” Garrus knows he can’t get John to face him again, but he has to get this out. “Whatever I felt for you, it started sometime after Sidonis. I couldn’t help it, not with what you were becoming for me.”

John’s face turns towards him, pale with shock. Garrus steels himself against rejection, but continues anyway.

“I tried to not to let it interfere with what we were, and it’s worked,” Garrus stops. “In hindsight, I don’t know if that was a good move. Maybe if I had let it interfere then, we wouldn’t be dealing with all this.”

“Garrus.”

John’s voice is breathy, ragged, and Garrus has to lean in towards him.

“Let me finish,” he says, watching John’s face. “I haven’t said the most important thing yet.”

John nods, and closes the distance between them, bringing their foreheads together. Garrus can smell John’s breath, tinged with the alcohol that John breaks out only when he’s utterly wrecked. He lets go of one wrist and raises his hand to cup John’s nape. Something has changed between them, and Garrus is spurred to push through.

“What I feel,” Garrus begins.

“I feel it too.”

He flicks his eyes towards John’s which are close enough now that he can see the lashes clearly, see the blue of John’s eyes, like light splintering on the rocky terrain of Palaven. His breathing grows quicker, his mandibles quivering as he pulls John closer.

There’s a jerk and John stumbles away from him, rising.

“Tali,” he says hoarsely, steadying himself with a hand on the table.

Garrus rises.

“She knows.”

John’s face twists in pain, eyes blinking to delay the fall of gathered tears. Garrus’ breath hitches and his mandibles quiver in dismay.

“I’m not anyone’s mistress.”

“Which is why I have nothing with Tali anymore,” Garrus clarifies softly, moving towards John. Human physiology, he thinks 

dazedly, as the tears fall from John’s eyes, now closed. He brackets John’s body with his, placing one arm on the table behind John to steady himself. “I’m bad at getting my intentions across, but you read me better than anyone. You know what I mean.”

“Maybe I don’t believe you.”

The bitterness in John’s voice is new, making Garrus pause. He lets his hand rest on John’s cheek before curling it enough to let him bring John’s face towards his. His mandibles separate in anticipation. He traces John’s lips, unnaturally soft, unlike anything turian. A gentle pressure on the lips is all he gives.

The kiss is soft, just a brush. Garrus doesn’t want to push John. He pulls back immediately.

John’s eyes flutter open, but his gaze is flushed with hesitation and is still directed away. Garrus sighs softly and begins to pull away, only to stop when John’s hands come up to rest on his armor. John looks up at him, eyes red, and begins to move slightly upwards for a kiss.

Spirits, Garrus thinks, curling one hand around John’s neck as they kiss, and the other pushing John up onto the table, spreading his legs, grasping a muscled thigh to make room for him between John’s legs. He pushes John up and moves forward, not allowing any space between them. There had been enough and too much space between them in the past. John gasps into his mouth as the pull apart for air, but Garrus allows him no rest, grabbing onto a fragile human waist as he grinds into John’s crotch, making contact with a hardness he’s only read of back when he’d been entertaining thoughts of bedding John.

Garrus pulls away from John, unsure of how far to go when they had yet to speak of everything between them. When he steadies himself enough to look down at John, he feels a shudder of pleasure run through him, tingling remnants remaining in his talons.

John has trust in his eyes.

“Spirits,” Garrus breathes. “I, I meant to make you feel better about what is was that was making you look so –”

He can’t find the right words, but thankfully, he doesn’t have to.

“Look so heartbroken?”

He snaps to attention, all pleasure gone. Garrus doesn’t understand the statement.

 

“I was heartbroken,” John clarifies. “Over you and Tali.”

“I’m not with her,” Garrus says hoarsely. “Only you, since –”

“I know that now,” John lets his face rest in the hand Garrus has curled around his face. Soft, Garrus thinks, as John gently rubs his face into the coarse skin of the talon. “I –”

It’s hard to find the words to say. It’s easier to be shown things like this, Garrus thinks.

“I have you,” he murmurs, bringing their foreheads together again. He wonders if John realizes how intimate it is for a turian to allow such things. John lets them rest that way for a while, before surging upwards for another kiss. Garrus pulls back, forcing John to seek him out, and is aroused by the sight of the human pleading for him with his body.

“I will not leave you,” he murmurs against human lips, drawing John closer together, slotting their bodies together, John’s so much smaller than his. John moans into his mouth as their bodies move together gently. “You have me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Quickly spat this out after going through Andromeda so there are bound to be many mistakes, it’s been so long so I don’t remember the lore so pls excuse me. Jaal is such a cutie! I really wanted Male Shep scenes with Garrus :/


End file.
